I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. You ever have a feeling
like that? A deeply rooted emotion that you can’t quite articulate? It’s what I felt yesterday as I watched my 5 year old daughter get ready for school. It was her first day of Kindergarten and up until this point I had felt only good feels. You see, my son, now he’s my sensitive one. He’s the one that cried at Kindergarten orientation when the parents left the room. He’s the one that still tells me he missed me when he comes home from a 2 hour play date. He’s my child that at just 7 years old says the furthest he’ll ever go to college is Villanova (about 30 mins or less from my house by the way). When he went to Kindergarten I was emotional for an entire week leading up to the day he went. My daughter? She’s all joy. All excitement. Free spirited. I mentally prepare myself every day that she’ll be my child who will end up backpacking across Europe before she goes to College. I’ve felt nothing but positive anticipation as she embarks on this new journey. Just to give you an idea she woke up earlier than normal this morning and when my husband asked her, “what are you doing up so early?”, her response was, “having fun and being happy.” Thats her in a nut shell, so I was struck by the stir of emotion I felt as I was about to put her on the bus for the first time.
She must have caught me looking at her as I was met with her infectious giggle and a “Mommy, what?” I told her nothing was wrong and said, “I don’t know, I just love you.” As I continued to examine exactly WHAT I was feeling she looked me dead in the eye and with a directness I dont normally hear from her she said, “If you’re worried they’ll change me, they won’t.” I felt these words speak directly to my heart center. It was almost like her soul was speaking to mine. Not a 5 year old speaking to her mother. That was it. She understood what I felt without me ever uttering a word. Without me even quite understanding what I felt.
I put so much energy into the balancing act of molding my children into how I see fit all the while allowing them to shine their own light into the world. Being who you are is HUGE in my household. I’m constantly urging my kids to be themselves and not to compare themselves to others. I often find myself making the concious effort to put my mental need to control their choices in check and replace it with my soul’s desire to let them be who they want. So it makes sense to me that as she is about to be influenced by an entire new set of norms and standards and expectations that it would feel uncomfortable to me. I often feel that there are two sides to who I am and I try to merge them and find a happy medium. It’s almost like I’m a hippie trapped in the body of a classroom mom. I have secret daydreams of homeschooling my children on a farm, but I love my suburban lifestyle filled with school activities, dance recitals and sports. And most importantly I like to watch Bravo during school and nap time. So while I’m excited for my child to experience the typical everyday school and social life, I also want her soul to be free to do and be whatever she wants. Does this make sense to you? It’s ok if it doesn’t. I confuse myself 50% of the day.
I think that we get messages all of the time. The universe is frequently speaking to us and the more we listen to it and acknowledge it the more these messages will show up. My daughter delivered a message for me yesterday, and while it might sound minor to some, I think I’ll remember it until the day I die. What she told me in that moment was that as long as I, their mother, continues to live my truth, parent from my heart and show them that they need to follow their own way in life, then that’s how they’ll live. I know it will be continuously challenged, I have 3 girls to put through middle school and high school (send help), but for a glimpse in time I was able to see my little one’s spiritual journey unfold. Children intuitively know who they are and if they are encouraged to listen to their hearts, then they will have the life that they were meant to have.
I hope you and your loved ones get to be who you are today and everyday. And if you feel suffocated by life, then there is most likely a part of yourself that you are not honoring. Be yourself, shine your light and don’t let them change you.
The Enlightened Mama